Friday, September 15, 2006

Jack Bauer

I know I swung a few low blows at 24 in my last couple posts. However, I do think it is a decent show. The only other show I watch on TV, actually.

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In hopes to smooth out any tension I might have created by my scathing remarks, here is a compilation of my favorite Jack Bauer jokes (If you think have seen them before, you should see a few new ones tossed in here and there). Enjoy:

  • If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
  • Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
  • There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
  • American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  • Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times.
  • Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
  • Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  • When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
  • When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  • Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  • Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
  • When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
  • Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
  • G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
  • Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
  • Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
  • Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • Jack Bauer can divide by zero.
  • It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
  • If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  • Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

David Knepprath

6 comments:

Sparky said...

I love it!!! But you missed a couple good ones. My favorites:

-The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in recognition of his saving the city several times. They had to change the name, however, when people kept dying while trying to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

-1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

And finally, a new one I just found,
*drum roll*

-Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

enjoy :-P
-Sparky

Sparky said...

Okaty one more that I just found that I find very relevant to the times in blogland:

-Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

David Knepprath said...

...and yet it would still take a WHOLE season!

Nathan Green said...

winner, DK, you now win my respect

Aquila said...

Nice ones. I like the jokes. I also liked the show 24. Its good, but haven't seen it since I ve been in New Zealand, they have one episode every weekend, and I just lost interest. lol. Laters friends.

-Aquila

shu-ichi said...

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Shuichi Kato